Emmerdale is giving it’s take on HIV with Val being diagnosed. I’m interested as I was diagnosed on the 31st August 2000. I can remember the date clearly as when I left the clinic, in a bit of a daze, I grabbed a copy of the Evening Standard and it told me it was 3 years since Princess Diana died! I thought “oh great, I’ll get a reminder every year of my diagnosis date!”.
I’d decided to go for a test as I’d been taking risks, a lot of risks. I lived in Central London and this was before smartphones and websites made getting sex ‘easy’. Back then, if you had a profile you had to rush back home to check on your computer to see if someone had messaged you. Therefore ‘getting laid’ was about going to bars, and the gay scene in London could be a place that made you feel good, but it could also make you feel ugly. As a result I found myself caught in the heavy cycle of sex in darkrooms and cruising grounds to make up for the confidence I lacked. People asked me how many people I’ve slept with but I didn’t “sleep” with anyone, taking someone home and actually going to bed with them was too personal and I wasn’t comfortable enough for that.
I decided to make an appointment to get tested and before they took my blood, the nurse asked me “when I’d last had sex?” As they asked more about my sex life, I revealed I was having unsafe sex with 20-30 guys a week, week in, week out, month after month. Why? Because I wanted people to like me and I wanted to feel attractive. I had my bloods taken and the nurse gave me a leaflet on ‘improving my confidence’, as he handed me the leaflet I thought he was giving it to me because I was ugly and was probably surprised someone like me even had sex…..
A week later I went back for the results: I was HIV Positive.
The specialist asked me how I felt, my response was that “I wished I hadn’t just bought a new washing machine that morning!”. I guess, looking back, that was the truth, I had come to the clinic straight from purchasing it and I was now worried I had spent money on something that was going to outlast me. I mean, I was going to die! Wasn’t I? I went back home and shuffled around my flat aimlessly for a bit and realised this was it; No one would ever want me now and I would die alone so I threw myself into 3 days of sex. The thing about having unsafe sex when you’re positive is what do you have to lose? You already have HIV, so what else can go wrong? Well for me, I contracted HepC and if I’m honest that was 100% worse than the HIV. HepC treatment was a year of pills and injecting myself with interferon, it wasn’t pleasant and I got every side-effect going and at points I struggled to keep my job. However it made me think, “If I carry on like this I’m going to die”.
It was probably 2003 when I turned my life around; I decided that I was worth more than endless sex in endless darkrooms. I then met my partner and we’ve just celebrated 10 years together. I look back at the risks I took and I wonder why I had so little self-worth. I gave up smoking, I go to the gym and I’ve developed an interest in running!
I started this blog with talking about Val from Emmerdale and her HIV diagnosis. I found it interesting the writers have said “Being HIV won’t change Val” as HIV did change me. It made me realise life is precious. It taught me to respect myself, something I wish I’d done earlier.
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