Film Review: ‘Pride’

Now I love an angsty-gay/trans* film as much as the next girl; Boys Don’t Cry, Milk, Brokeback Mountain, The Laramie Project, but Pride was really in a genre of its very own. Packed with the humour we have come to expect from a British-made comedy film, but without loosing the important messaging of gay culture in the 1980s. Also, as a self-confessed gay-geek, it was fantastic to learn about a part of the history of the gay rights movement that I have never known about before, and to see how it linked into other political movements of the time.

The film starts with the 1984 London Pride Parade; I was at London Pride this year, 30 years on, and it made me remember just how far we have come. The film went on to highlight the issues specific to the day, such as the difference in age of consent between ‘the breeders’, as described by self-defined dyke Steph, and gay men. However, it also showed issues that are still present, such as coming out, hate crime and HIV. It wouldn’t be a gay-film set in the 80s without some reference to HIV, but it was done subtly and appeared throughout the film in a way that tied in well with the storyline.

Joe/Bromley’s plight was particularly resonating for me as I sat in the cinema next to my parents. I was reminded once again how fortunate I am to not have experienced the negative and detrimental impact of having parents who unable to accept their child’s sexuality. Although times have moved on, there is still a plethora of young people who struggle with coming out and never get that all-important acceptance from their families. I know Q:alliance help to tackle this issue through the HQMK youth group, but there are still so many who have no support network at all.

What was refreshing about this amazing film was the way it seamlessly switched between pure comedy (the ongoing lesbian cuisine discussion was one of my personal favourites) to poignant moments that sent goosebumps down your spine and set a little tear in your eye.

The film really demonstrated how issues of equality and discrimination shouldn’t be kept in silos, with all the many minority groups badgering away at their own cause. There are so many commonalities between us and although standing up for striking miners in a small village in Wales is an extreme example of this, the message remains the same.

Five stars! A must see for everyone, not just the LGBT community.

Blogger Ellie

Book Review Blog: ‘The Glass Closet’ by John Browne

“The Glass Closet” by John Browne

John Browne was a gay man who was brought up in England in the 1950s. He stayed, as most of his generation carefully inside his closet and kept his secret well. At work, he was successful, rising through the ranks until he ended up CEO of BP and very much in the limelight.

In 2007, a young man with whom he had a long relationship decided to sell his story to a tabloid newspaper and Lord Browne very publicly resigned his position and the company for which he had worked so many years.

In this recent book, he explains the business case for a more accepting society. The case for an inclusive and welcoming society. He talks about the efforts made by many for the LGBT people of the world, including Harvey Milk, the  drag queens of Stonewall, David Hockney and James Baldwin, all who were willing to come out very publicly.

The book is full of stories of all sorts. These include stories of people who were never able to succeed at work because of their efforts to hide their real lives, but also stories of success and openness. It questions how productive and efficient you can be at work when you may not talk about your family, your week-end, or when you have to be careful not to get offended by a distasteful joke, when you have to think carefully about what pronoun to use when referring to someone who is dear to you.

We may have marriage, but the battle for the acceptance and equality is not yet over. Maybe the next  step needs to be won in the boardrooms or the world.

Strongly recommended to business people as well as to LGBT activists!

(Published by WH Allen, Ebury Publishing, Random House. ISBN 978-0-75-355532-3 www.glasscloset.org)

Trustee Blogger

Blog on Being a Trans Spouse

As some readers of this blog will be aware my partner is a trans man, i.e he is going through gender reassignment from female to male. Occasionally I have time to stop and reflect on the steep learning curve I’ve been on. I want to take this opportunity to share some of the knowledge I’ve gained on how to support a trans person, as a result of my times of getting it right and wrong.

1. Be aware of your language and the impact it can have.

In the beginning I had to have it explained that tranny is a hate term and under no circumstances to be used. But it goes beyond this I have inadvertently hurt my husband at times through my use of language and have only realised when I have spotted his body language. An area of particular discussion, misunderstanding was my use of the language of disability, because it was the only way I could get my head around it not being a choice and requiring medical treatment including surgery.

2. Sensitively communicate your own understandings and fears of what is happening

Following on from the point above when I explained to my partner why I struggle using anything other than the medical model to process the transition we came to an understanding about the paradigms each of us were using and why we were using them. Throughout the process it has been important for me to explain what my fears are so that, on occasion, they could be totally quashed for the nonsense they were, but at other times they could be appreciated for sensible concerns. Throughout the process what has been important is to create an environment where the one emotion which is avoided is guilt. My husband can’t help being trans even more than I can help struggling with some aspects of it.

3. Get to know the practical difficulties your partner is facing

Being trans creates practical difficulties for the person going through transition. I learnt pretty early on that for my partner there are two quite big ones. The first was using toilets in public places. There are some environments where using the male toilets can be difficult for him, particularly if they are busy or the doors on the cubicles are a bit dodgy. I have learnt that when making decisions as to where to go thinking about that is important. I am becoming somewhat of an expert on knowing where to find gender neutral toilet facilities.

The other big practical problem has been finding adult masculine shoes in a small enough size. This was something I knew was a real source of difficulty for my husband and so I did some searching around and we discovered Dr. Martens were the best brand to go for. They’ve recently opened a store locally, and in the sale I noticed they had some shoes which were ideal for the look he is developing on special. Knowing the issue I immediately went in to check if they would still be available later on, and when the answer was negative I got them there and then.

4. Understand the law is an ass but going with the flow is important

To get his Gender Recognition Certificate my partner and I have to convert our civil partnership to marriage, and I have to engage with something called the Spousal Veto which I really disagree with. Whilst I do consider the law an ass and would be quite happy to dig my heels in, saying I want to stay in a civil partnership with him or refuse to sign the spousal veto because I think having to exercise power in that way is repugnant I know I can’t. I know that in the coming months when he applies for the GRC it is one of the most significant steps in his transition process and I just need to go through the process of jumping whatever hurdles the law puts up so he can get that bit of paper.

5. Be ready with hugs

Going through transition is never easy for anybody. However, liberating it may be as a process it does involve facing up to the gender dysphoria, going through a process of assessments in order to access treatment, taking hormones, surgery and facing a world which doesn’t understand and has a tendency to stare at anybody it views as different. There is also a great deal of fear of rejection which goes along with this journey. Add in the fact that most trans people face some kind of verbal or physical abuse at some point in their journey and you will understand at times it can be an extremely painful process sometimes. Therefore, you do need to be ready with hugs sometimes.

6. Trans isn’t the defining feature of the person

My husband has a range of attributes and features beyond being trans. His gender identity is only part of who he is and it is certainly not the defining feature. I have chosen to stay with him because I fell in love with a range of things about him before he came out as trans; his intelligence, his faith and his sense of humour amongst other things. Those things are still there and are far more important aspects of him than the fact he is trans.

Blogger Sally

Cure me, I have Blue Eyes.

Cure me, I have blue eyes.

That would seem a random and silly request but is it anymore than the request in Dr Christian Jessen’s documentary “Cure me, I’m Gay”? For anyone who watched the documentary, it was truly shocking and heart breaking to see people wanting to be “cured” and the lengths they would go to. Why, in the 21st Century, is this is still happening?

The element of the show that upset me the most was the “gay-exorcism” taking place in East London. Built on the basis of religion, there was an “all-powerful” bald guy attempting to cure people on the spot of their homosexuality, whilst a vulnerable audience hung on his every word. Meanwhile in America, a group of “Ex-gays” demonstrated, whilst looking seriously unhappy and unloved, against gay rights. (I found myself sadly disappointed this group of ex-guys weren’t a squad of superhero mutants in the style of Marvel’s X-Men, but that’s another story).

Today I saw two things on Facebook that distressed me. A note from a dad to a son who’d tried to commit suicide, the note said “I wish you’d succeeded, I wish you were dead”. The other story was a mother punching her young son in the face when he came out. It might be the 21st Century but I can totally see why some people would want to be cured. Having those that love you turn on you is horrible.

So that’s them, what about me? Would I want to be cured?

I had a really difficult time in school, those people that know me know would be shocked to see the skinny and shy boy I was at secondary school. I was bullied, beaten and mocked for being gay and it upset me more because I wasn’t. I really, really wasn’t gay! One of the things that upset me, more than the insults and punches, was a situation that happened with my best friend Rajia. In school we often used to write our names on the others knuckles, like a temporary tattoo that showed our undying friendship to one another. One day, Rajia started dating one of the bullies that mocked and insulted me and I saw her hand had “is gay” written under where I had written my name. The fact that she’d allowed him to do that hurt me more than any punch I’d received.

It was a relief when I left school, I was no longer that bullied person as I could reinvent myself. I discovered nightclubs and made friends and the fact I could dance (Nope, still not gay) made me popular with girls. I was a bit of a tart and went home with girls at the end of a “successful” night out and the next morning I’d wake up and say “See I’m not gay……”

I then met a girl with whom engagement, marriage and a child followed but then suddenly my world crumbled. I came to the realisation I was batting for this team. There would be nights, as my wife slept, that I was be curled up by the bed, on the floor, crying “why can’t I be NORMAL”.

That’s a long time ago and here I am waiting to do a pile of ironing, whilst my husband is doing the weekly shop and our “kids”, our two cats are outside playing with their friend from opposite – another cat, whilst I shout at them to stay out of the road. Somehow my life has become “NORMAL!” When I come home from work. I don’t think my life is that different from my heterosexual colleagues, apart from the fact I come home to a man.

What is different is that it was a fight to get here, I was judged, bullied and despite how normal my life is, I’m aware things still aren’t equal. To anyone that is facing the internal drama of coming out, acceptance and the depression that can sometimes go hand in hand with being gay, the only thing I can say is “try and be true to yourself” and do try and google some of the videos from the ‘It gets better project” on YouTube, because it can get better. I promise.

Blogger ThatBaldGuyMK

One Million Rising March

Recently I joined the One Million Rising march in London against domestic violence. It’s an annual march which happens each year protesting against Male violence against women. I took part because I believe that whatever our identity we need to stand up against violence and hate crime but also because I believe that whilst this type of violence is primarily directed against women it impacts us all.

Now before I go any further I want to make clear that I know men are victims are violence by women and that domestic violence is something which occurs within our LGBTQ community too. Indeed 2010 research, cited in a F word post, carried out by LGBT Youth Scotland and the Scottish Transgender Alliance showed 60% of those surveyed said they had experienced domestic abuse from a partner and 80% reported experiencing some form of abusive behaviour from a partner or ex partner.[1]

Returning to why I think that it is important to stand up against violence against women. Catherine Redfern and Kristin Aune make clear in their book Reclaiming the F Word Feminism Today that “sexism and homophobia walk hand in hand; at the root of homophobia lie deeply entrenched sexist attitudes about what is acceptable behaviour for men and women.”[2]

These attitudes put all of us in danger, LGBorT, and we need to stand up to them where ever they occur and whoever the victims are.

However, whilst we need to acknowledge men are primarily the perpetrators we do need, as I said earlier to recognise that the problem is not an exclusively heterosexual or female issue. Broken Rainbow works with the LGBT community and on International Women’s Day they were making the point that many LBT women were falling through the cracks and failing to be given the support and safety they needed. They say “the dominance of the heteronormative view of Domestic Violence and Abuse means that so many agencies, such as the police and refuges are not sufficiently equipped to support lesbian and bisexual women. Furthermore trans women or women with a gender history often face additional difficulties, such as refuges being concerned about upsetting other service users.”[3]

So let us stand up against all hate crime and domestic violence whoever the victim is, acknowledging that at the root are the same attitudes but at the same time noting the issues faced by particularly groups of victims.

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[1] http://www.thefword.org.uk/blog/2010/08/new_research_in

[2] Redfern, C and Aune, K, (2013) Reclaiming the F Word Feminism Today, Zed Books, p 63

[3] http://www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/content/includeLBTwomen

Blogger Sally

How homo/transphobic are you?

This week saw the Oscars and the world’s most famous lesbian Ellen DeGeneres took to the stage to host this prestigious award ceremony. However Ellen made a faux pas and called Liza Minnelli a “drag queen, an impersonator and sir”. Although Ellen was probably alluding to the fact Liza looked a ’little different’ (New dress? New purse? ) from normal, the gag backfired. Tweets accusing transphobia followed but these were counteracted with “Ellen’s a lesbian, she can’t be transphobic!”

So can we, the LGBT community, be phobic to ourselves?

It’s weird, because about a week ago I probably was. There is a guy who works in my building who is “obviously gay”. What does “obviously gay” mean? Well, he does dress flamboyantly; he is very theatrical and throws some mean jazz hands when talking. On the day in question, he had a new hairstyle, which kind of finished off his overall look. I found myself chuckling and then instantly corrected myself. Surely me (internally) mocking someone about how gay they looked was wrong!

I’ll admit I felt a little ashamed.

It might have been that I was actually jealous of his hair. With the nic ‘thatbaldguyMK, my days of being “worth it” are over. My hair has sadly spread to my chest, shoulders, back and chin and last week, on twitter, I posted that I was contemplating going beard-free for the first time in about 10 years. This caused uproar! Why? Because beards are seen as manly and as gay men we must not look camp!

Around this time, Ellen Page came out as gay and a couple of straight people I know commented that it was “nice that a feminine lesbian had come out”. All they saw was, long hair = feminine. Roll forward to the Oscars and there was Ellen Page in her tuxedo and lots of tweets about her “lezzing it up”. Another point that made me ponder was reading an article on ‘femme lesbians’, although I could totally see it’s hard for a ‘girlie girl’ not to be seen as a ‘fag hag’ when socialising on the scene, and that not every ‘lipstick lesbian’ wants to drape themselves in a rainbow flag when they go out to maximise visibility, the article was quite harsh about gay women who looked like ‘dykes’.

So have we become a community that is blacklisting ‘camp’ men and ‘butch’ women as well as hinting at transphobia?  Are we readily doing to one another what some narrow minded heterosexuals do to us?  Should we be more aware?

The word ‘community’ is often overused and the spectrum of LGBT people is broad and that should be something that is celebrated and respected and we need to ensure that we don’t start that criticism from within.

I have to say Liza Minelli did look very different tho……

ThatbaldguyMK

Emmerdale is giving it’s take on HIV ….

Emmerdale is giving it’s take on HIV with Val being diagnosed. I’m interested as I was diagnosed on the 31^st August 2000. I can remember the date clearly as when I left the clinic, in a bit of a daze, I grabbed a copy of the Evening Standard and it told me it was 3 years since Princess Diana died!  I thought “oh great, I’ll get a reminder every year of my diagnosis date!”.

I’d decided to go for a test as I’d been taking risks, a lot of risks. I lived in Central London and this was before smartphones and websites made getting sex ‘easy’. Back then, if you had a profile you had to rush back home to check on your computer to see if someone had messaged you.  Therefore ‘getting laid’ was about going to bars, and the gay scene in London could be a place that made you feel good, but it could also make you feel ugly. As a result I found myself caught in the heavy cycle of sex in darkrooms and cruising grounds to make up for the confidence I lacked. People asked me how many people I’ve slept with but I didn’t “sleep” with anyone, taking someone home and actually going to bed with them was too personal and I wasn’t comfortable enough for that.

I decided to make an appointment to get tested and before they took my blood, the nurse asked me “when I’d last had sex?” As they asked more about my sex life, I revealed I was having unsafe sex with 20-30 guys a week, week in, week out, month after month. Why? Because I wanted people to like me and I wanted to feel attractive. I had my bloods taken and the nurse gave me a leaflet on ‘improving my confidence’, as he handed me the leaflet I thought he was giving  it to me because I was ugly and was probably surprised someone like me even had sex…..

A week later I went back for the results: I was HIV Positive.

The specialist asked me how I felt, my response was that “I wished I hadn’t just bought a new washing machine that morning!”. I guess, looking back, that was the truth, I had come to the clinic straight from purchasing it and I was now worried I had spent money on something that was going to outlast me. I mean, I was going to die! Wasn’t I?   I went back home and shuffled around my flat aimlessly for a bit and realised this was it; No one would ever want me now and I would die alone so I threw myself into 3 days of sex.  The thing about having unsafe sex when you’re positive is what do you have to lose? You already have HIV, so what else can go wrong? Well for me, I contracted HepC and if I’m honest that was 100% worse than the HIV.  HepC treatment was a year of pills and injecting myself with interferon, it wasn’t pleasant and I  got every side-effect going and at points I struggled to keep my job. However it made me think, “If I carry on like this I’m going to die”.

It was probably 2003 when I turned my life around; I decided that I was worth more than endless sex in endless darkrooms. I then met my partner and we’ve just celebrated 10 years together. I look back at the risks I took and I wonder why I had so little self-worth. I gave up smoking, I go to the gym and I’ve developed an interest in running!

I started this blog with talking about Val from Emmerdale and her HIV diagnosis. I found it interesting the writers have said “Being HIV won’t change Val” as HIV did change me. It made me realise life is precious. It taught me to respect myself, something I wish I’d done earlier.

Blogger ThatbaldguyMK

So, there is no denying that although society has come a long way in accepting the LGBT community…

So, there is no denying that although society has come a long way in accepting the LGBT community, that there is still a long way to go in terms of acceptance and lack of hatred. However I don’t want to focus on the negative and how there is still rampant homophobia, biphobia and transphobia in some aspects of the world and within our own community. You will find plenty of blogs that will outline these issues and possibly far more eloquently than I can manage at 10:20pm on a Wednesday night. No, I instead want to focus on some of the events that have been a turning point for the community and that reflects just how far society has come in a positive way. Because I think that should be celebrated.

June 28^th 1969, New York City – This date will be familiar to some of you and to those who know of the history of the LGBT community. Of course other events happened before this but I’m focusing on this as my own knowledge dates back to here; I am a young man and my knowledge is not expansive nor do I have the current circumstances to acquire more information. So, June 28^th 1969, New York City – The Stonewall Riots. Prior to the Stonewall Riots homophobia and police raids against gay establishments was common place not just in New York but across America. However on this particular night the community fought back and what resulted was three nights of rioting from the community. Although many were arrested, the spirits within the community were kept alive and the police were eventually forced to retreat; the community had secured a hard fought victory and it sent out a message that they were fighting back. The following year New York City held it’s first Gay Pride march and this is largely recognised as a start of a movement which continues to this day. Pride marches were often held simultaneously across America and by 1972 extended to other parts of America.

May 24^th 1988, Section 28 – Although this is a negative cornerstone for the LGBT community in the UK, it precedes an appeal which later saw a turnaround in laws for LGBT people in the UK. Section 28 was an educational act that stated “shall not intentionally promotehomosexuality or publish material with the intention of promoting homosexuality”or “promote the teaching in any maintained school of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship”. In essence this act meant that teachers could not support students who were questioning their gender identity or sexuality or tell them that it was ok. Many students in education during this time would have felt that who they were was wrong or disgusting and couldn’t discuss it with anyone.

November 18^th 2003, Section 28 repealed – This is a cornerstone in terms of LGBT rights in the UK and marks a potential turnaround in (at least) legal attitudes towards LGBT people. With this act repealed, it was no longer illegal for schools to “promote” homosexuality or help young people who identified as LGBT. Although it took many years for schools to support it’s LGBT students, the repeal of this law allowed them to do so within the confines of the law. Schools are now able to access resources, groups and training to help best support those students who are LGBT.

April 4^th 2005, Gender Recognition Act – The Gender Recognition Act of 2004 which was in effect in April 2005 was an act which allowed transsexual people in the UK to change the gender on their birth certificate to their new acquired gender. This affords them all the rights of their new acquired gender and recognises them as such.

December 2005, Gay Civil Partnerships – In December 2005 Gay Civil Partnerships were introduced in the UK as a means to allow same-sex couples to have the same rights and responsibilities as that of a heterosexual couple. Although these were known colloquially as “gay marriages” the government was insistent they were not. There has been continuous campaigning to recognise gay marriage and to allow gay marriage.

April 6^th 2010, Equality Act 2010 – The Equality Act of 2010 requires equal treatment in access to employment as well as private and public services, regardless of the protected characteristics of age, disability, gender reassignment, marriage and civil partnership, race, religion or belief, sex, and sexual orientation. This legislation is currently the best bit of legislation that protects LGBT people from discrimination in the workplace, in education and when accessing services. The Equality Act of 2010 also considers gender reassignment and so offers a clause that specifically protects trans people.

July 2013, Same-sex marriage – In July 2013 legislation was passed through the House of Lords and approved to allow same-sex marriages to be allowed to happen. Although this legislation has not yet come into effect and is expected to be in force by mid-2014, it is a step forward in terms of recognition. For those who wanted to be married as a gay couple and not simply have a civil partnership it is a step forward. However this equality does not yet extend to trans marriages, whereby a trans person wishing to apply for a Gender Recognition Certificate and change their birth certificate must annul their marriage and re-marry in their “new” gender. The trans community continues to campaign that marriages need not be dissolved in order to obtain the GRC.

This isn’t an exhaustive list of events to have happened, and it does focus on UK events (being in the UK) however I hope it can show people that society gradually is changing and that a lot has happened to protect the LGBT community and to help them and allow them to be themselves. Yes some attitudes are still awful, and whilst bigotry exists there is always a fight to fight, but I am hopeful that in my lifetime we will see a momentous change in society and that future generations will pave the way for more acceptance. Society has already come a long way and I believe it can go even further.

Peace be with you all

 Blogger Karl W

About Giving Up

Being an older gay person is not necessarily better than being young. Of, course, I do not suffer bullying in school and do not worry about having to come out to people, but other problems have come up, which no one told me about.

I was 53 years old when I came out a few years ago. It meant first coming out to myself and accepting that the side of me I tried to hide for forty years was not going away, I was not going to grow out of this phase, or learn to love women’s bodies. Then, I had the challenge of coming out to my wife, my children, colleagues and more. I searched and found there is absolutely no support whatsoever for middle-aged people coming out. There are some groups out there who appear to be in the right direction, but they were not what I wanted or needed – they all seemed to be accepting the unavoidable fact that married gay men were destined to divorce, while gay dads were aimed more at adopting or surrogate parents rather than people who became parents in the old fashioned heterosexual way. The idea that my wife and I could actually love each other and want to stay together, even if I did not really enjoy the sexual aspect of the relationship.

I tried to live and accept my sexuality, while remaining faithful to a wife who did not understand that men (or at least I) could differentiate sexual activity from love and a desire for a long term relationship.

Now, as I see the number sixty coming up, as I have to check the bottom of the list when asked for my age group, the time has come to accept to inevitable and give up.

–        I will never have enough money to be able to retire

–        I need to continue working and selling myself, trying to prove that I have more energy than competitors who are thirty years younger than I am

–        My work does not allow me to maintain any long term commitments, such as joining a club, an evening course, attending regular committee meetings for charities

–        My work does not allow me to organize events, such as the “General Assembly” which I managed for three years

–        I will not overcome my anxiety of going into a night club, even now that I live a 3 minute walk from Pink Punters

–        My fear of social situations and lack of social skills will not go away and I will continue to be afraid of going to groups in which I do not feel I already feel I know everyone

–        I will never again have an intimate relationship with someone

–        I will never make a difference in the world, but will just fade away and be forgotten before I turn the corner

–        I will continue to disappoint those who place their trust in me.

It is time for me to give up trying and accept the facts. This is it, this is as far as I go. No one needs me any longer.

This is not depressing, it is accepting the facts, the time has come to stop pretending, my productive, useful, entertaining, fun life is over, now, all that is left is years.

Note to any young person who read this far: don’t waste your time. Do something, make a change, enjoy your youth, your beauty, your energy. It is not easy to suddenly realize that it has all gone away and there is nothing left but a bus pass.

Trustee Blogger

Partners……

Ok, another blog! But want some advice……

I wonder, does anyone else experience the fear of telling your partner problems that you have about them?
It’s something I do struggle with sometimes. I do love him, but there’s so much that annoys me and frustrates me about him. I’m we seem to argue a lot recently, but his mood swings are terrible. It’s what makes him lash out verbally and I’ve done nothing wrong to start this. Something so small and insignificant can sometimes set it off, I was on the verge on breaking up with him the other day. I kinda wonder if it’s because he’s depressed.

I feel like I do everything for him. He doesn’t work, he’s claiming ESA, but can sometimes be really careless with his money. I work a 32-45 hour week. I pay the rent, because he lives with me and has no extra cash to pay for anything. I generally get the food shopping and buy anything extra. He buys shopping, but doesn’t buy always the right things. He’ll buy crap that we don’t need. He sometimes, buys more of one thing and spends loads. I look at what he buys and it’s not essentials, I have a job and I only buy essentials.

He lives with me free of charge. I pay the rent, as I am only paying a small amount for my room. He travelled over 200 miles to be with me, so having a break, is out of the question, especially if he can’t travel home.

I guess I’m really confused as to what I want to do in life. I don’t ever want to lose him, he’s the only guy that’s ever loved me for who I am (and he’s not even my first boyfriend!) I feel such a strong connection to him, yet on the other hand, I can’t stand living with him. In the 2 years we’ve nearly been together, he’s never made me breakfast in bed 😦 I have always made him breakfast and other meals! otherwise he doesn’t eat. Yet another reason for my struggle. He doesn’t eat, unless I’m home to cook for him. He used to be great at the start of our relationship, but the past 5 months, it’s seems like I work, cook and buy most things, yet, he’s not respnsipble with his money.

I’m finding it really hard to figure out what I want from this. I’m constantly in 2 minds about him, literally sat on the fence, wondering what to do. He’s often shown signs of manipulation towards me, which I knew but reacted back appropriately.
So these are my thoughts typed out, something I’ve wanted to say top a friend but don’t have anyone close enough that I can personally share this. There are many more things that have happened but can’t think of them.
So I hope that I’m not the only person that this is happening to, ideas and advice are welcome. I guess it shows how strong love is after all.

Blogger Adam