Blog on Being a Trans Spouse

As some readers of this blog will be aware my partner is a trans man, i.e he is going through gender reassignment from female to male. Occasionally I have time to stop and reflect on the steep learning curve I’ve been on. I want to take this opportunity to share some of the knowledge I’ve gained on how to support a trans person, as a result of my times of getting it right and wrong.

1. Be aware of your language and the impact it can have.

In the beginning I had to have it explained that tranny is a hate term and under no circumstances to be used. But it goes beyond this I have inadvertently hurt my husband at times through my use of language and have only realised when I have spotted his body language. An area of particular discussion, misunderstanding was my use of the language of disability, because it was the only way I could get my head around it not being a choice and requiring medical treatment including surgery.

2. Sensitively communicate your own understandings and fears of what is happening

Following on from the point above when I explained to my partner why I struggle using anything other than the medical model to process the transition we came to an understanding about the paradigms each of us were using and why we were using them. Throughout the process it has been important for me to explain what my fears are so that, on occasion, they could be totally quashed for the nonsense they were, but at other times they could be appreciated for sensible concerns. Throughout the process what has been important is to create an environment where the one emotion which is avoided is guilt. My husband can’t help being trans even more than I can help struggling with some aspects of it.

3. Get to know the practical difficulties your partner is facing

Being trans creates practical difficulties for the person going through transition. I learnt pretty early on that for my partner there are two quite big ones. The first was using toilets in public places. There are some environments where using the male toilets can be difficult for him, particularly if they are busy or the doors on the cubicles are a bit dodgy. I have learnt that when making decisions as to where to go thinking about that is important. I am becoming somewhat of an expert on knowing where to find gender neutral toilet facilities.

The other big practical problem has been finding adult masculine shoes in a small enough size. This was something I knew was a real source of difficulty for my husband and so I did some searching around and we discovered Dr. Martens were the best brand to go for. They’ve recently opened a store locally, and in the sale I noticed they had some shoes which were ideal for the look he is developing on special. Knowing the issue I immediately went in to check if they would still be available later on, and when the answer was negative I got them there and then.

4. Understand the law is an ass but going with the flow is important

To get his Gender Recognition Certificate my partner and I have to convert our civil partnership to marriage, and I have to engage with something called the Spousal Veto which I really disagree with. Whilst I do consider the law an ass and would be quite happy to dig my heels in, saying I want to stay in a civil partnership with him or refuse to sign the spousal veto because I think having to exercise power in that way is repugnant I know I can’t. I know that in the coming months when he applies for the GRC it is one of the most significant steps in his transition process and I just need to go through the process of jumping whatever hurdles the law puts up so he can get that bit of paper.

5. Be ready with hugs

Going through transition is never easy for anybody. However, liberating it may be as a process it does involve facing up to the gender dysphoria, going through a process of assessments in order to access treatment, taking hormones, surgery and facing a world which doesn’t understand and has a tendency to stare at anybody it views as different. There is also a great deal of fear of rejection which goes along with this journey. Add in the fact that most trans people face some kind of verbal or physical abuse at some point in their journey and you will understand at times it can be an extremely painful process sometimes. Therefore, you do need to be ready with hugs sometimes.

6. Trans isn’t the defining feature of the person

My husband has a range of attributes and features beyond being trans. His gender identity is only part of who he is and it is certainly not the defining feature. I have chosen to stay with him because I fell in love with a range of things about him before he came out as trans; his intelligence, his faith and his sense of humour amongst other things. Those things are still there and are far more important aspects of him than the fact he is trans.

Blogger Sally

One Million Rising March

Recently I joined the One Million Rising march in London against domestic violence. It’s an annual march which happens each year protesting against Male violence against women. I took part because I believe that whatever our identity we need to stand up against violence and hate crime but also because I believe that whilst this type of violence is primarily directed against women it impacts us all.

Now before I go any further I want to make clear that I know men are victims are violence by women and that domestic violence is something which occurs within our LGBTQ community too. Indeed 2010 research, cited in a F word post, carried out by LGBT Youth Scotland and the Scottish Transgender Alliance showed 60% of those surveyed said they had experienced domestic abuse from a partner and 80% reported experiencing some form of abusive behaviour from a partner or ex partner.[1]

Returning to why I think that it is important to stand up against violence against women. Catherine Redfern and Kristin Aune make clear in their book Reclaiming the F Word Feminism Today that “sexism and homophobia walk hand in hand; at the root of homophobia lie deeply entrenched sexist attitudes about what is acceptable behaviour for men and women.”[2]

These attitudes put all of us in danger, LGBorT, and we need to stand up to them where ever they occur and whoever the victims are.

However, whilst we need to acknowledge men are primarily the perpetrators we do need, as I said earlier to recognise that the problem is not an exclusively heterosexual or female issue. Broken Rainbow works with the LGBT community and on International Women’s Day they were making the point that many LBT women were falling through the cracks and failing to be given the support and safety they needed. They say “the dominance of the heteronormative view of Domestic Violence and Abuse means that so many agencies, such as the police and refuges are not sufficiently equipped to support lesbian and bisexual women. Furthermore trans women or women with a gender history often face additional difficulties, such as refuges being concerned about upsetting other service users.”[3]

So let us stand up against all hate crime and domestic violence whoever the victim is, acknowledging that at the root are the same attitudes but at the same time noting the issues faced by particularly groups of victims.

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[1] http://www.thefword.org.uk/blog/2010/08/new_research_in

[2] Redfern, C and Aune, K, (2013) Reclaiming the F Word Feminism Today, Zed Books, p 63

[3] http://www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/content/includeLBTwomen

Blogger Sally

Sally’s October Blog

The other week after work I rushed down to Bethnal Green for the initial briefing on a new LGBT history project which is being undertaken by LGCM (see http://www.lgcm.org.uk/category/christian-voices-coming-out/ for more details). As part of the evening we had a talk on post-war LGBT history in England from Dr Sebastian Buckle.

Whilst I had an awareness of alot of the key dates such as the decriminalisation of homosexuality and the introduction of civil partnerships I was still struck by how much of our history is not generally known.

For example whilst female homosexuality was not criminalised there were restrictions placed on lesbians by society to make them conform.

Another piece of information which surprised me was that the first gay magazine in the UK, Arena Three, was produced by women during the 1960’s.

As I listened to how a large group of women had left the Gay Liberation Front in February 1972 due to gender oppression I wondered if that was part of the reason we tend to know more about homosexuality history than lesbian history.

Another explanation given was that women and BME people were more likely to identify with groups fighting oppression on the basis of gender or ethnicity whilst men were more likely to be fighting oppression linked to sexuality.

The talk also highlighted the role of Stonewall and all the good work they have done. Listening to that I was aware in the back of mind of the exclusion of trans people by Stonewall in England (Stonewall Scotland have been more inclusive).

Chatting to someone afterwards I was also aware of the exclusion of bi people in the story.

As I reflected on where we are today and the great gains we have achieved as a community I was perhaps more acutely aware of how uneven the playing field has been and continues to be.

I know part of this is because of the way trans and bi people and those gay and lesbians who are part of the BME community are less likely to choose to be involved. However, this history talk emphasised that it has been and may sometimes continue to be because of the comments they sometimes have to deal with from others who are seen as having more power.

Blogger Sally

‘Where Faith, Arts and Justice Meet’

I was recently at an arts festival where I got to listen to Clare Balding in conversation with Richard Coles (the bloke out of the Communards who wasn’t Jimmy Somerville and occasionally crops up on Radio 4 and tv shows like QI).

As they spent an hour chatting and answering a few questions from the audience there were odd points when, quite naturally, the conversation included reference to their sexuality (both being gay). There was also reflection on the forthcoming Winter Olympics in Russia and Balding’s feelings about it, (particularly as she is an open lesbian going as part of the BBC team to cover it).

Later at the same festival I went to hear Rachel Mann, a trans, lesbian, Anglican priest, talk about her experience and her book Dazzling Darkness (which is well worth a read – find it here). Whilst aspects of the talk were more focused on her LGBT identity/ identities the talk went wider and reflected on aspects of her wider life too.

In both talks it was clear that whilst their gender identities and sexual orientations were important to them they were mixed in there with the rest of life.

This was something which my own involvement with a story telling event at the festival reflected too. I was one of 9 “ordinary” people who told their love stories, (love in this case reflecting a range of meanings and including both queer and straight stories). My story was told in the form of a fairytale and within it I referred to my own identity as a lesbian and the way that it was complicated when my partner came out as a trans guy, but it went beyond that to include more mundane aspects of our journey relating to being separated by distance and the experience of having a teenager not overjoyed with mum having a new partner.

The singer songwriter Grace Petrie (website) was also on the festival bill singing her political lyrics and love songs which both, at times, make reference to her being a lesbian but which don’t focus on this.

The festival which has in the past had Peter Tatchell speaking at it on human rights issues amongst other things is quite pink in nature and many LGBT people are amongst the 20,000 or so who head to it each year as an alternative to Reading or Leeds.

It is a space where LGBT people and their allies as well as people who wouldn’t regard themselves in that way come together for a great weekend of music and talks and LGBT issues are mixed in with everything else, no big deal it’s that simple.

The thing which might surprise people about this festival is it is essentially a Christian festival. Greenbelt has the tag line of being where faith, arts and justice meet.

Blogger Sally

LGBT Health Assessment

Recently I took part in a focus group for a LGBandT health survey which is currently going on in Milton Keynes. It was one of those things which I did because I felt I should, but I wasn’t sure really what to expect.

In the end it was ok. The two researchers were really lovely, they listened well whilst making sure they covered the topics they needed to. There were a few snacks and I got a £20 gift voucher for doing it, (which I made good use of in Argos getting some dinky little weights to get myself healthy).

Everything discussed inside the room was and remains confidential and I found myself actually quite enjoying the chance to say exactly what I think about my health experiences.

They are doing another focus group for Lesbians and Bisexual women aged 26+ next week and if you can I’d say it’s well worth taking part.

The details are as follows:

Milton Keynes NHS wants to better understand the health needs of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people in Milton Keynes so that services can be improved. Some independent researchers will be holding focus group discussions for lesbian and bisexual women (aged 26+), living in Milton Keynes on Monday 25^th February at Acorn House, central Milton Keynes from 6pm – 8pm.  Everyone who attends will be given a shopping voucher worth £20 as a thank you for coming along! 

If you’re interested in joining, please contact k.gray@options.co.uk.

The group will be fun and informal, and refreshments will be provided. You will have the opportunity to share ideas and experiences on a range of issues including:

• Health needs and experiences of LGBT people living in Milton Keynes
• Likes and dislikes about services around Milton Keynes
• How particular needs could be better addressed and services improved.

A record of discussions will be taken at the time, but all information will be treated with absolute confidence, and anonymity is guaranteed.

If you haven’t got time for a focus group, why not take a minute to complete the online survey? https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/milton_keynes_LGBT_health

Happy Birthday Diva

Do lesbians still exist? It’s a question raised in the current issue of Diva, the 200th issue of the magazine which was first launched in 1994. The article outlines how identity has changed over the last eighteen years and how the lesbian community has widened out, now being much more welcoming to bi women for example.

The article is positive about the diversity which now exists, whilst acknowledging that it has taken some time to come about, and on one level that is fair. However, before we start celebrating it is worth noting the article itself finishes with a Stonewall advert saying ‘Some people are bi. Get over it!’ And the OU Bisexuality Report: Bisexual inclusion in LGBT equality and diversity highlighted how “invisibility” is still a problem for bisexual people.

Similarly whilst the article goes on to talk about the way that transgender people are now much more accepted within the lesbian community, citing the Gingerbeer membership agreement as an example, the reality is there is still a way to go with the inclusion of trans women, as recent debates amongst feminists in the media and beyond have highlighted.

Locally I am encouraged by the way in which the different parts of the LGBTQ community do mix together at events like the regular Solstice Breakfast and HQMK youth group and the way in which Q:alliance does represent all groups. The recent LGBTQ GA included speakers from all sectors of the community and MK Pride presented by MKPrideCIC was equally inclusive.

Going back to the Diva anniversary and the article I’ve been talking about, as the article says, that the LGBTQ community and experience is far different to where it was eighteen years ago and is continuing to evolve. We have moved from the days of clause 28 to the recent vote on the second reading of the equal marriage legislation. On Saturday the Guardian had Sophie Ward and her partner on the front page of the family section and the Terrance Higgins Trust has recently launched a new section on their website for trans men and women. Diva too has evolved as a magazine and as the article says it has become more inclusive.

The content has changed reflecting the way in which life has changed for LGBTQ people over those eighteen years. Civil Partnerships gave a whole new set of articles to include from 2005 onwards. Parenting is now much more of an accepted part of LGBT experience in the way it wasn’t in the past, (although due to the number of people who had often been married at one point and so had children there have always been more LGBT parents than acknowledge). Shows like the L Word and Lip Service have, I think, played an important part in this too. They have shown a variety of characters within them and given specific celebrities to be covered but beyond that I think the fact there are now more out public figures in than in the past has a key influence. This article on the DIVA 200th issue photo shoot has a range of people involved and Clare Balding was interviewed and featured on the cover of another recent issue.

But is it time to move on from specific lesbian media like Diva? My answer is no, to answer the original question whatever we may wish to call ourselves we do still exist. Whilst the culture and experience between different people does differ and our media needs to reflect that the truth is that if we don’t have magazines like Diva and shows like Lip Service, (which has sadly not been commissioned for a third series), we will be people searching around for odd articles and characters who reflect that part of our experience and identity. What we need, as most other identity groups do, is a mix of media to choose from including but not exclusively lesbian media. So happy anniversary Diva, here’s to 200+ more.

(Note this is a personal blog by Sally reflecting her own views and opinions).

By Sally