Cure me, I have Blue Eyes.

Cure me, I have blue eyes.

That would seem a random and silly request but is it anymore than the request in Dr Christian Jessen’s documentary “Cure me, I’m Gay”? For anyone who watched the documentary, it was truly shocking and heart breaking to see people wanting to be “cured” and the lengths they would go to. Why, in the 21st Century, is this is still happening?

The element of the show that upset me the most was the “gay-exorcism” taking place in East London. Built on the basis of religion, there was an “all-powerful” bald guy attempting to cure people on the spot of their homosexuality, whilst a vulnerable audience hung on his every word. Meanwhile in America, a group of “Ex-gays” demonstrated, whilst looking seriously unhappy and unloved, against gay rights. (I found myself sadly disappointed this group of ex-guys weren’t a squad of superhero mutants in the style of Marvel’s X-Men, but that’s another story).

Today I saw two things on Facebook that distressed me. A note from a dad to a son who’d tried to commit suicide, the note said “I wish you’d succeeded, I wish you were dead”. The other story was a mother punching her young son in the face when he came out. It might be the 21st Century but I can totally see why some people would want to be cured. Having those that love you turn on you is horrible.

So that’s them, what about me? Would I want to be cured?

I had a really difficult time in school, those people that know me know would be shocked to see the skinny and shy boy I was at secondary school. I was bullied, beaten and mocked for being gay and it upset me more because I wasn’t. I really, really wasn’t gay! One of the things that upset me, more than the insults and punches, was a situation that happened with my best friend Rajia. In school we often used to write our names on the others knuckles, like a temporary tattoo that showed our undying friendship to one another. One day, Rajia started dating one of the bullies that mocked and insulted me and I saw her hand had “is gay” written under where I had written my name. The fact that she’d allowed him to do that hurt me more than any punch I’d received.

It was a relief when I left school, I was no longer that bullied person as I could reinvent myself. I discovered nightclubs and made friends and the fact I could dance (Nope, still not gay) made me popular with girls. I was a bit of a tart and went home with girls at the end of a “successful” night out and the next morning I’d wake up and say “See I’m not gay……”

I then met a girl with whom engagement, marriage and a child followed but then suddenly my world crumbled. I came to the realisation I was batting for this team. There would be nights, as my wife slept, that I was be curled up by the bed, on the floor, crying “why can’t I be NORMAL”.

That’s a long time ago and here I am waiting to do a pile of ironing, whilst my husband is doing the weekly shop and our “kids”, our two cats are outside playing with their friend from opposite – another cat, whilst I shout at them to stay out of the road. Somehow my life has become “NORMAL!” When I come home from work. I don’t think my life is that different from my heterosexual colleagues, apart from the fact I come home to a man.

What is different is that it was a fight to get here, I was judged, bullied and despite how normal my life is, I’m aware things still aren’t equal. To anyone that is facing the internal drama of coming out, acceptance and the depression that can sometimes go hand in hand with being gay, the only thing I can say is “try and be true to yourself” and do try and google some of the videos from the ‘It gets better project” on YouTube, because it can get better. I promise.

Blogger ThatBaldGuyMK

So, there is no denying that although society has come a long way in accepting the LGBT community…

So, there is no denying that although society has come a long way in accepting the LGBT community, that there is still a long way to go in terms of acceptance and lack of hatred. However I don’t want to focus on the negative and how there is still rampant homophobia, biphobia and transphobia in some aspects of the world and within our own community. You will find plenty of blogs that will outline these issues and possibly far more eloquently than I can manage at 10:20pm on a Wednesday night. No, I instead want to focus on some of the events that have been a turning point for the community and that reflects just how far society has come in a positive way. Because I think that should be celebrated.

June 28^th 1969, New York City – This date will be familiar to some of you and to those who know of the history of the LGBT community. Of course other events happened before this but I’m focusing on this as my own knowledge dates back to here; I am a young man and my knowledge is not expansive nor do I have the current circumstances to acquire more information. So, June 28^th 1969, New York City – The Stonewall Riots. Prior to the Stonewall Riots homophobia and police raids against gay establishments was common place not just in New York but across America. However on this particular night the community fought back and what resulted was three nights of rioting from the community. Although many were arrested, the spirits within the community were kept alive and the police were eventually forced to retreat; the community had secured a hard fought victory and it sent out a message that they were fighting back. The following year New York City held it’s first Gay Pride march and this is largely recognised as a start of a movement which continues to this day. Pride marches were often held simultaneously across America and by 1972 extended to other parts of America.

May 24^th 1988, Section 28 – Although this is a negative cornerstone for the LGBT community in the UK, it precedes an appeal which later saw a turnaround in laws for LGBT people in the UK. Section 28 was an educational act that stated “shall not intentionally promotehomosexuality or publish material with the intention of promoting homosexuality”or “promote the teaching in any maintained school of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship”. In essence this act meant that teachers could not support students who were questioning their gender identity or sexuality or tell them that it was ok. Many students in education during this time would have felt that who they were was wrong or disgusting and couldn’t discuss it with anyone.

November 18^th 2003, Section 28 repealed – This is a cornerstone in terms of LGBT rights in the UK and marks a potential turnaround in (at least) legal attitudes towards LGBT people. With this act repealed, it was no longer illegal for schools to “promote” homosexuality or help young people who identified as LGBT. Although it took many years for schools to support it’s LGBT students, the repeal of this law allowed them to do so within the confines of the law. Schools are now able to access resources, groups and training to help best support those students who are LGBT.

April 4^th 2005, Gender Recognition Act – The Gender Recognition Act of 2004 which was in effect in April 2005 was an act which allowed transsexual people in the UK to change the gender on their birth certificate to their new acquired gender. This affords them all the rights of their new acquired gender and recognises them as such.

December 2005, Gay Civil Partnerships – In December 2005 Gay Civil Partnerships were introduced in the UK as a means to allow same-sex couples to have the same rights and responsibilities as that of a heterosexual couple. Although these were known colloquially as “gay marriages” the government was insistent they were not. There has been continuous campaigning to recognise gay marriage and to allow gay marriage.

April 6^th 2010, Equality Act 2010 – The Equality Act of 2010 requires equal treatment in access to employment as well as private and public services, regardless of the protected characteristics of age, disability, gender reassignment, marriage and civil partnership, race, religion or belief, sex, and sexual orientation. This legislation is currently the best bit of legislation that protects LGBT people from discrimination in the workplace, in education and when accessing services. The Equality Act of 2010 also considers gender reassignment and so offers a clause that specifically protects trans people.

July 2013, Same-sex marriage – In July 2013 legislation was passed through the House of Lords and approved to allow same-sex marriages to be allowed to happen. Although this legislation has not yet come into effect and is expected to be in force by mid-2014, it is a step forward in terms of recognition. For those who wanted to be married as a gay couple and not simply have a civil partnership it is a step forward. However this equality does not yet extend to trans marriages, whereby a trans person wishing to apply for a Gender Recognition Certificate and change their birth certificate must annul their marriage and re-marry in their “new” gender. The trans community continues to campaign that marriages need not be dissolved in order to obtain the GRC.

This isn’t an exhaustive list of events to have happened, and it does focus on UK events (being in the UK) however I hope it can show people that society gradually is changing and that a lot has happened to protect the LGBT community and to help them and allow them to be themselves. Yes some attitudes are still awful, and whilst bigotry exists there is always a fight to fight, but I am hopeful that in my lifetime we will see a momentous change in society and that future generations will pave the way for more acceptance. Society has already come a long way and I believe it can go even further.

Peace be with you all

 Blogger Karl W

About Giving Up

Being an older gay person is not necessarily better than being young. Of, course, I do not suffer bullying in school and do not worry about having to come out to people, but other problems have come up, which no one told me about.

I was 53 years old when I came out a few years ago. It meant first coming out to myself and accepting that the side of me I tried to hide for forty years was not going away, I was not going to grow out of this phase, or learn to love women’s bodies. Then, I had the challenge of coming out to my wife, my children, colleagues and more. I searched and found there is absolutely no support whatsoever for middle-aged people coming out. There are some groups out there who appear to be in the right direction, but they were not what I wanted or needed – they all seemed to be accepting the unavoidable fact that married gay men were destined to divorce, while gay dads were aimed more at adopting or surrogate parents rather than people who became parents in the old fashioned heterosexual way. The idea that my wife and I could actually love each other and want to stay together, even if I did not really enjoy the sexual aspect of the relationship.

I tried to live and accept my sexuality, while remaining faithful to a wife who did not understand that men (or at least I) could differentiate sexual activity from love and a desire for a long term relationship.

Now, as I see the number sixty coming up, as I have to check the bottom of the list when asked for my age group, the time has come to accept to inevitable and give up.

–        I will never have enough money to be able to retire

–        I need to continue working and selling myself, trying to prove that I have more energy than competitors who are thirty years younger than I am

–        My work does not allow me to maintain any long term commitments, such as joining a club, an evening course, attending regular committee meetings for charities

–        My work does not allow me to organize events, such as the “General Assembly” which I managed for three years

–        I will not overcome my anxiety of going into a night club, even now that I live a 3 minute walk from Pink Punters

–        My fear of social situations and lack of social skills will not go away and I will continue to be afraid of going to groups in which I do not feel I already feel I know everyone

–        I will never again have an intimate relationship with someone

–        I will never make a difference in the world, but will just fade away and be forgotten before I turn the corner

–        I will continue to disappoint those who place their trust in me.

It is time for me to give up trying and accept the facts. This is it, this is as far as I go. No one needs me any longer.

This is not depressing, it is accepting the facts, the time has come to stop pretending, my productive, useful, entertaining, fun life is over, now, all that is left is years.

Note to any young person who read this far: don’t waste your time. Do something, make a change, enjoy your youth, your beauty, your energy. It is not easy to suddenly realize that it has all gone away and there is nothing left but a bus pass.

Trustee Blogger

Partners……

Ok, another blog! But want some advice……

I wonder, does anyone else experience the fear of telling your partner problems that you have about them?
It’s something I do struggle with sometimes. I do love him, but there’s so much that annoys me and frustrates me about him. I’m we seem to argue a lot recently, but his mood swings are terrible. It’s what makes him lash out verbally and I’ve done nothing wrong to start this. Something so small and insignificant can sometimes set it off, I was on the verge on breaking up with him the other day. I kinda wonder if it’s because he’s depressed.

I feel like I do everything for him. He doesn’t work, he’s claiming ESA, but can sometimes be really careless with his money. I work a 32-45 hour week. I pay the rent, because he lives with me and has no extra cash to pay for anything. I generally get the food shopping and buy anything extra. He buys shopping, but doesn’t buy always the right things. He’ll buy crap that we don’t need. He sometimes, buys more of one thing and spends loads. I look at what he buys and it’s not essentials, I have a job and I only buy essentials.

He lives with me free of charge. I pay the rent, as I am only paying a small amount for my room. He travelled over 200 miles to be with me, so having a break, is out of the question, especially if he can’t travel home.

I guess I’m really confused as to what I want to do in life. I don’t ever want to lose him, he’s the only guy that’s ever loved me for who I am (and he’s not even my first boyfriend!) I feel such a strong connection to him, yet on the other hand, I can’t stand living with him. In the 2 years we’ve nearly been together, he’s never made me breakfast in bed 😦 I have always made him breakfast and other meals! otherwise he doesn’t eat. Yet another reason for my struggle. He doesn’t eat, unless I’m home to cook for him. He used to be great at the start of our relationship, but the past 5 months, it’s seems like I work, cook and buy most things, yet, he’s not respnsipble with his money.

I’m finding it really hard to figure out what I want from this. I’m constantly in 2 minds about him, literally sat on the fence, wondering what to do. He’s often shown signs of manipulation towards me, which I knew but reacted back appropriately.
So these are my thoughts typed out, something I’ve wanted to say top a friend but don’t have anyone close enough that I can personally share this. There are many more things that have happened but can’t think of them.
So I hope that I’m not the only person that this is happening to, ideas and advice are welcome. I guess it shows how strong love is after all.

Blogger Adam

Sally’s October Blog

The other week after work I rushed down to Bethnal Green for the initial briefing on a new LGBT history project which is being undertaken by LGCM (see http://www.lgcm.org.uk/category/christian-voices-coming-out/ for more details). As part of the evening we had a talk on post-war LGBT history in England from Dr Sebastian Buckle.

Whilst I had an awareness of alot of the key dates such as the decriminalisation of homosexuality and the introduction of civil partnerships I was still struck by how much of our history is not generally known.

For example whilst female homosexuality was not criminalised there were restrictions placed on lesbians by society to make them conform.

Another piece of information which surprised me was that the first gay magazine in the UK, Arena Three, was produced by women during the 1960’s.

As I listened to how a large group of women had left the Gay Liberation Front in February 1972 due to gender oppression I wondered if that was part of the reason we tend to know more about homosexuality history than lesbian history.

Another explanation given was that women and BME people were more likely to identify with groups fighting oppression on the basis of gender or ethnicity whilst men were more likely to be fighting oppression linked to sexuality.

The talk also highlighted the role of Stonewall and all the good work they have done. Listening to that I was aware in the back of mind of the exclusion of trans people by Stonewall in England (Stonewall Scotland have been more inclusive).

Chatting to someone afterwards I was also aware of the exclusion of bi people in the story.

As I reflected on where we are today and the great gains we have achieved as a community I was perhaps more acutely aware of how uneven the playing field has been and continues to be.

I know part of this is because of the way trans and bi people and those gay and lesbians who are part of the BME community are less likely to choose to be involved. However, this history talk emphasised that it has been and may sometimes continue to be because of the comments they sometimes have to deal with from others who are seen as having more power.

Blogger Sally

‘Where Faith, Arts and Justice Meet’

I was recently at an arts festival where I got to listen to Clare Balding in conversation with Richard Coles (the bloke out of the Communards who wasn’t Jimmy Somerville and occasionally crops up on Radio 4 and tv shows like QI).

As they spent an hour chatting and answering a few questions from the audience there were odd points when, quite naturally, the conversation included reference to their sexuality (both being gay). There was also reflection on the forthcoming Winter Olympics in Russia and Balding’s feelings about it, (particularly as she is an open lesbian going as part of the BBC team to cover it).

Later at the same festival I went to hear Rachel Mann, a trans, lesbian, Anglican priest, talk about her experience and her book Dazzling Darkness (which is well worth a read – find it here). Whilst aspects of the talk were more focused on her LGBT identity/ identities the talk went wider and reflected on aspects of her wider life too.

In both talks it was clear that whilst their gender identities and sexual orientations were important to them they were mixed in there with the rest of life.

This was something which my own involvement with a story telling event at the festival reflected too. I was one of 9 “ordinary” people who told their love stories, (love in this case reflecting a range of meanings and including both queer and straight stories). My story was told in the form of a fairytale and within it I referred to my own identity as a lesbian and the way that it was complicated when my partner came out as a trans guy, but it went beyond that to include more mundane aspects of our journey relating to being separated by distance and the experience of having a teenager not overjoyed with mum having a new partner.

The singer songwriter Grace Petrie (website) was also on the festival bill singing her political lyrics and love songs which both, at times, make reference to her being a lesbian but which don’t focus on this.

The festival which has in the past had Peter Tatchell speaking at it on human rights issues amongst other things is quite pink in nature and many LGBT people are amongst the 20,000 or so who head to it each year as an alternative to Reading or Leeds.

It is a space where LGBT people and their allies as well as people who wouldn’t regard themselves in that way come together for a great weekend of music and talks and LGBT issues are mixed in with everything else, no big deal it’s that simple.

The thing which might surprise people about this festival is it is essentially a Christian festival. Greenbelt has the tag line of being where faith, arts and justice meet.

Blogger Sally

The Trapeze Artist Review

The LGBTQ Book Group Milton Keynes has been running for several months now, and the time has come, now that we’ve got the ball rolling, to give it some more publicity. At the most recent meeting, we discussed a book called the Trapeze Artist by Will Davis – which deals with a young man growing up gay in an a conventional suburban lifestyle; repressed by his mother’s orderly lifestyle yet drawn to a newcomer at his school called Edward, who we find out is also gay and encourages him to embrace his sexuality. In order to escape this existence, he eventually joins a travelling circus after an encounter with a trapeze artist called Vlad, and throughout the book there is a running motif of a trapeze to symbolize the act of swinging higher and higher; reaching out for freedom and striving towards potential. The narrative style is divided into past, present and future, which there was a mixture of opinions on.

 

One of the criticisms that was made was that the fragmented nature of each of the three narratives made the book difficult to follow. It was described as ‘gimmicky’ and for me personally, it didn’t quite work, since they didn’t link in with each other until the end of the book, when the story-line from the past ends where the story-line from the present begins – by which point the book will already have lost many readers who find it difficult to engage with this style of writing.

 

Characters were criticized for being too shallow, however there seemed to be a running theme of everyone wearing a mask to conceal their true emotions. Because as a reader we are given more access to the main protagonist, we instantly see underneath his mask, which would make him seem more vulnerable than many of the other characters, however their underlying feelings and motivations emerge as the book progresses.

 

For me, among others in the group, the most relatable narrative was the one that dealt with the protagonist’s upbringing and coming out process, since a wide variety of themes were explored, such as duality – with the difference between the protagonist’s upbringing, which is more conventional; as opposed to his boyfriend Edward’s upbringing, which is more unstable. Both characters long for the other’s lifestyle, which reflects the whole ‘grass is greener on the other side’ paradox. Also there is trauma, and the effect of placing responsibility, in terms of characters who blame themselves for traumatic events fall into a pattern of leading a reclusive lifestyle where they cannot be responsible for further turmoil. Parallels were then drawn between the death that occurs in the childhood narrative and the death that occurs later on at the end of the novel – using the metaphor of falling as a representation of failure to live up to one’s full potential, and escape the circumstances that repress us individuals – such as upbringing, lifestyle, order ect.

 

All in all, we rated the book an average of 6.3 for the story, 5.4 for writing style and 6.5 for likeability. For the next meeting we will be reading Oscar Wilde’s classic ‘The Picture of Dorian Grey’, so feel free to come along and participate in the discussion, running on the third Sunday of every month in Waterstones, Midsummer Place, either round the table under the staircase, or, if we are redirected as we were today, in the Costa above. The meetings start at 2:30 and go on until about 4ish. E-mail bjlyons@talktalk.net if you are interested in coming along, or join the facebook group by clicking on this link http://www.facebook.com/groups/lgbtbookgroupmk/233728456749877/?comment_id=233730473416342&notif_t=group_activity.

 

Hope to see you there. Blogger Brendan xx

Appreciating the LGBT Community

Last night, I was having a discussion with one of my straight female friends. We were discussing about religion. She’s going to a Christian camp in the summer. She was telling me about how lovely it will feel to be in a community, a group of people that you are a part of, and value your input, and in return provide love and support, this community being the Christian Community. It really hit home to me.

We as the LGBT community, should really value what we have more. We have a community that we can go to. A community that understands us, values us, drinks with us, eats with us, laughs with us, works with us. A community, where, if the outside world is troubling us, we can retreat into, and feel as if we are being protected.

Many people outside the LGBT community don’t have this, they go to work, come home, watch TV, go to bed. So, when people say that the LGBT community in MK is fractured, I say, look at what you have before complaining. In some countries, being LGBT still carries a death penalty. Next, attend socials, set up new socials, invite people along, be proactive, because, otherwise, the “fractured community” will never change, surely?

Blogger Stu

Living the Dream

I always wondered what individuals who so vehemently fight against LGBTQ rights think ‘we’ as this
deviant and clearly godless community must get up too in our private households. So, I did what
every person with a free Saturday night and wondrous ponder would do. I googled intensively and
ate a lot of malteasers. I can now confidently confirm that the general consensus is as follows:

‘LGBTQ individuals live in drug infested, disease riddled, and hedonistic squats and spend their days
making deals with the devil and simultaneously eating children’s souls. In their spare time they like
to plot underhanded ways to achieve world domination in order to ensure mankind grinds to a
resounding halt both spiritually and physically. This is due to the fact that the large majority insist on
doing things like getting ‘married’ and ‘having babies.’

I think I have pretty much covered all the major points.

Of course this is all clearly true and I for one can tick off at least three of those things this morning.
In no way, shape or form have we had to deal with the following ‘normal’ family things in the last 2
weeks:

• Several emergency trips to the vet to deal with a stubborn English bulldog that refuses to breathe when the temperature is anything above freezing cold
• A boiler breakdown. Water, everywhere.
• A car breakdown. Oil, everywhere.
• Unpaid bills (Thanks Natwest)
• A swamp for a garden, possibly with a pet crocodile
• Making high level business deals with Ed about the amount of sport that can be on the TV during any one week period
• A dog that refuses to poop in the garden due to the swamp/crocodile combination. She prefers the comfort of the living room floor, much to our utter delight (even I agree that this is squalor)
• Money worries

None of the above has happened; after all we have been far too busy making pacts with Satan and
trying to figure out how to take over the world (who’s going to be pinky and who’s going to be the
brain? Pinky and the brainbrainbrainbrain…OKOK no-one gets it)

On a plus point I am pleased to report that I have stopped eating children’s souls. Have you seen
how many calories they are each?

Blogger Melody

Equality in schools, and personal issues education

Tell me; as a child, how many of you remember ever sitting in PSHE lesson or Citizenship lesson where LGBT issues were brought up? Did you ever tackle eating disorders, or self harm? How about disability awareness? There is a shocking lack of education when it comes to these issues in schools. Children and young people are taught how to put a condom on, or how to help old people across the road… but never what to do if they question their sexuality, how to practise safe non hetero sex or what to do if they feel like harming themselves.

At the age of 18, I have experienced life in 2 different secondary schools, 2 academies (one aged 11-19 and the other appprenticeship based) and 3 colleges. Four of these places, I worked at.  If we disregard these for now, and just focus on my experiences as a student, I’ll tell you now, they were not all good. Generally, I didn’t experience much homophobic/anti-queer behaviour within these places, which is great… but I also received little to none support regarding any of the above issues. They were never addressed.  Ignorance is ripe within secondary schools; there is racism, there is sexism, there is homophobia. That list is not exhaustive. The irony of it is, it’s not always students… teachers can be just as bad. What’s sad is that  half of the perpetrators don’t even realise that they’re being discriminatory. PSHE and teacher training both cater primarily to the need of heterosexual, gender normative young people that the government seem to expect, and people are left to assume that stereotypes and rumours that they hear are true.

All disabled people are stupid. All dyslexic people can’t read. All gay people like glitter. All people with eating disorders are greedy. All people that self harm are attention seekers. All trans people are paedophiles. None of these people are normal. If people are left to believe what they hear in playgrounds and on facebook, things will never get easier for vulnerable young people at schools.  Schools are supposed to educate. What use are 11 GCSEs or 5 fantastic A levels if you do not know how to function in the real world? If you do not understand the differences that make up the population, and the importance of acceptance (or at the least, tolerance). Why is it that Religious Education is compulsory to a certain age, but it is not compulsory to cover other protected characteristics under the 2010 Equality Act?

Following a conversation with a fellow member of an LGBTQ+ group that I attend, and some crazily misinformed peers of his, I realise that this is getting no better. How can queer people, disabled people, people outside that little box of ‘normal teenager’ expect to achieve their potential in education with schools allowing students to be so ignorant as to think that awareness is not even necessary? Something needs to be done about the quality of PSHE in schools. Something needs to be done about the ignorance that some students not directly affected by these matters show. Something needs to be done to show people that they are not alone; that somebody cares, and is willing to help them if they need it. Young people need to feel accepted at school. Not only by their peers, but also by their schools.  I am making it my mission to make a change. No matter how little, it shall be huge.  It’s time to step off the treadmill and stop moving on the spot, never going forward. It’s time to make a difference.

Keep tuned for details of my endeavors. Mark my word, schools will not know what’s hit them.

Blogger Bernie